Is it ok to dislike your kid....?

What you say?  Yes.  I said, "Is it ok to dislike your kid?"   The 15 year old and the 10 year old....very good babies.  They slept through the night by 6 weeks old.  They were calm and easy to deal with.  I never had to "baby proof" the house.  Although the 15 year old went through a short phase where he put things in his mouth and wouldn't stop sucking on his fingers.  We quickly fixed that with a little hot sauce and an appliance lovingly put in by the orthodontist.   The 2 year old....a different story.    The moment he was born it was like I was a trailer park and he was the tornado.  He didn't sleep well.  He couldn't take ANY formulas.  And projectile vomiting.  That's right ladies and gentlemen, when he threw up, you better not be within 10 to 20 feet of him.  I probably washed more clothes, sheets, and burp cloths than anybody.  Our burp cloths were not like everyone elses.  Everyone else had cute little blue pieces of cloth with a picture of a lion or a doggie on them.  Some people had their little monograms on their burp cloth.  I guess they wanted to make sure that their kid threw up in style.  Our burp cloths were full size towels.  They did not have little pictures on them.  He had ear infection after ear infection....tubes....infections....acid reflux....$50 a can formula that only lasted for 2 days...none of these things made me dislike the two year old.    He eventually had his second birthday.  That is when I punched my ticket for hell.  I had heard stories of the dreaded terrible two's.  Horrible stories.  I had seen mothers cry and beg people to babysit for them so they could have a few moments of peace and quiet.  I had seen fathers work overtime to stay away from their kid.  I had seen what the terrible two can do to people.  I had never experienced these so-called "terrible two's."  I actually said, "There is no such thing as the terrible two's.  Either they aren't parenting their kid or it's a psychological thing....kind of like postpartum depression or something.  Why don't they just whip that kid's ass?"  I am sorry.  This is my apology for even thinking those things.  If I had known what those parents were going through, I would have donated to the cause or....something.      Now I know what a living hell it can be to have a child going through the terrible two's.  It started with a little bite here and there...a temper tantrum every now and then.  Then the boy graduated to full fledge tantrums lasting about 30 minutes to an hour at a time.  These tantrums included cuss words, kicking, screaming, hitting, and the occasional inanimate object thrown at my head.  I had to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee for survival.  I was being abused by my toddler.  The weird part is that he actually looked possessed during these tantrums.  He showed a sort of madness that had to have been brought on by a supernatural force taking over his little body.  His eyes were empty and bloodshot.  His face would turn beet red and his whole body would begin to go rigid.  I was raising Satan's Spawn...that explained the projectile vomiting.  I was video taping these tantrums because I swore something was wrong with my kid.  I just knew we were gonna have to see a child psychiatrist and I was gonna have documented proof that my kid was crazy.   No one understood why I didn't want to go anywhere.  I knew the truth and most people thought I was overexaggerating.  I heard, "Oh...it can't be THAT bad." countless times!   They didn't know the devil that lived in my house...

Every meal ended with his plate being thrown across the room.  He would scream every time we got into the car because he did not want to be strapped down to his carseat.  I would be intensely out of breath after I finally got him into his carseat because of the fight that ensued each and every time.   I am not above begging my pediatrician to give him meds....or to give me meds.  I sure needed them.  I was afraid to take him anywhere.  I was on pins and needles every time we left the house....is he gonna tell the priest to f**k off at church on Sunday?   Is he going to take off running during dinner and take out a table of unsuspecting old ladies in a restaraunt?   Is he gonna throw something at someone and put them in a coma?  Seriously, it was that bad.  My nerves were shot and I was reduced to tears on more than one occasion.  If you are a WebMD like me, you can look these things up on the net.  Everything I read said he had a number of things wrong with him....one of which was bipolar disorder.  Now I am freaking out because I am thinking our lives will stay like this forever.  Next the nightmares and night terrors began.  The "monsters" and "bad guys" started showing up in his bedroom.  We were spraying the room with "Holy Water" every night.  We told him the priest gave it to us just for "bad guys" and "monsters."  The spouse and I are both cops, so we staged a homicide of the "monsters" and "bad guys" complete with crime scene tape. 

Nothing would convince him that they did not exist.  Then I started thinking, "Maybe they don't exist to us...but they exist for him."  I was ready to call in for an exorcism.  Finally I just put my foot down and said, "Mommy will never let anyone in this house to hurt you.  See this big rifle?  I am pretty good at the firing range..."  Well, you get my meaning.   These things went on for what seemed like forever.  I was convinced that we were going to start seeing therapists and put the kid on meds.  That says a lot because I am one of those who thinks too many kids are put on meds when they really shouldn't be. 
I was starting to really dislike my child.  I felt guilty about feeling that way.  I wasn't supposed to dislike my child...I have been given this wonderful miracle and I had grown to dislike him.  I have ALWAYS loved him...never stopped loving him, but I couldn't stand to be around him.  I really couldn't stand to be left alone with him.  It's more like I was afraid for my own safety at times.  It was horrible because we were stuck in the house together all day by ourselves.   I tried getting him outside to feed the ducks at the lake or go to the park.  I was afraid to let him be around other people.  Nothing helped.
All of a sudden...about a month ago now...things started changing.  He is turning into this sweet little boy.  Every now and then, he will just hug me and say, "Love you mama."  It's the best thing in the world.  He actually sat through a Spelling Bee at the 10 year old's elementary school.  Although I could tell he had thoughts of jumping out of his chair and diving right into the middle of the cake decorated to look like a bee....he resisted.  I was proud...big step for us...HUGE!  Even my parents were shocked.  He isn't mixing his mashed potatoes with juice as much as he used to.  His plate stays on his tray until I come to clear it away.   He does continue to drop a scrap for his best friend, the Chihuahua, every night.
I realized I didn't really dislike my kid....I disliked the little monster that possessed my kid for a while.  I think it's ok to dislike that kid for a little while.  It may be the only thing that keeps you sane or from beating the crap out of him.  The two year old is about to be a three year old. on February 5th of this year.  He has a vision of a Batman birthday party....because he believes with his heart of hearts that there is a "Batman Store" somewhere that has Batman everything.  And I am thinking everything will probably be ok...he isn't that serial killer I thought I was raising after all!  And there really is such a thing as the "terrible two's."